Some would say life has not been kind to me. At age twenty, I lost my seventeen-year-old brother. Two of my four children had special needs. One of my two sons died at age fifteen. And at thirty-eight, nine days after my divorce was finalized, I was 
paralyzed by transverse myelitis, a rare inflammation of the spinal cord that has left me in a wheelchair. More than once, it’s been hard to stay up when life seemed determined to pull me down. Along the way, I’ve learned a few things:
Be honest about your feelings.
- When life hurls the unexpected at us, we are often confused by the mix of emotions—shock, sadness, even anger. Find a trusted friend or professional who can listen.
- Sadness is expected after loss, but anger can be surprising, even guilt-producing. Take the time to work through these feelings so they don’t fester into a lasting bitterness. As Robert Frost reminds us, “The only way out is through.”
Examine your resources.
Don’t go through hard times alone. Consider who could help and invite them to be “in the boat” with you as you navigate uncharted territory. - I knew nothing about autism when my daughter was diagnosed. At that time, the traditional resources—educators and physicians—had little to offer. But other parents did! What a gift.
Don’t isolate—but be choosy.
- Structure and companionship are vital to getting through the darkest valleys. Surprisingly, often those who serve us best “in the boat” aren’t the expected ones.After our mother’s death, my sister and I couldn’t help each other because we were each in our own grief. We both invited others to support us.
- When my youngest left for college, I asked friends for advice. One told me to bring lots of tissues. Another said to bring sunglasses because it was going to be awful. One, however, suggested viewing it as a new chapter for my son and for me and to get excited about the future and the extra time I’d have to focus on new interests. Guess who stayed in the boat with me on that voyage?
Keep moving.
- When I’m on the edge of a Pity Pit, I know I’ll fall in if I stay too long. Doing the next right thing keeps me focused and moving forward.
- Lean into healthy habits and trusted comforts. Exercise, music, nature, a good book, or good conversation can be restorative as well as energizing.
Be grateful, daily.
- Gratitude is a perspective-changing mood-booster.
- Name three things you’re grateful for. It can be as simple as a good night’s sleep, a cloudless sky, or the fact that you got the trash out on time.
Embrace a “rethinking possible” mindset
- Once we accept the reality of the situation, we can then evaluate and rethink what’s still possible.
- One of my favorite exercises to jumpstart my mind into possibility-driven mode is:
Even though________ (the unwanted circumstance)
I can still________(name the possibility within the circumstance)
Stay out of the Pity Pit and use these methods to get back on track.
