In recent years, research has highlighted a strong correlation between traumatic life events and various types of relationship difficulties in adulthood, whether those traumatic events took place in early childhood or at some later point in one’s life.
The research highlights included the following:
- 60% of individuals with a history of childhood trauma reported dysfunctional romantic relationships.
- Individuals with a history of trauma of any kind may unconsciously choose partners who are emotionally unavailable, abusive, or narcissistic, or end up settling for a partner who is not a good match.
- Trauma survivors may struggle with anger and therefore have difficulty with effective communication and navigating conflict.
As a Relationship Coach, I have worked with numerous couples whose relationship issues were in direct response to something or someone from their past.
My work in Trauma Healing has given me a deeper understanding of how past trauma influences people, not only in the early stages of choosing a partner but also in the course of the relationship in terms of how they manage conflict. I notice that during conflict, 
what people argue about isn’t the actual issue but rather how they make each other feel in the process of finding a solution to their problem.
In addition, I have found there are some distinct ways trauma can shape partner choice and strongly influence individual conflict resolution styles.
Here are some of my findings:
- Subconscious Repetition & Seeking the Familiar: Trauma often leads a person to operate from perception based on their personal experiences instead of according to the actual facts. Therefore, in many cases, people can subconsciously gravitate toward partners who mirror the dynamics (even negative ones) of past caregivers or traumatic relationships, attempting to “master” their original pain.
- Hypervigilance & Trust Issues: Trauma survivors often enter relationships with an elevated sense of alertness, leading them to overlook their partners’ intention and causing them to misinterpret benign actions as threats. This can result in them becoming extremely defensive and resentful, and consequently impacting the couple’s connection.
- Internalized Worth & Partner Selection: Trauma often damages self-worth, causing individuals to choose partners who reflect this low self-perception or who are emotionally unavailable, reinforcing the trauma narrative. Trauma causes deep wounds and invisible scars that leave people operating from “needing to fill a void” as opposed to finding a relationship out of “the true value it can bring to their lives.”
- Emotional Regulation Challenges: Trauma can hinder a person’s ability to manage intense emotions, which leads to explosive or withdrawn responses during disagreements, making healthy conflict resolution difficult.
- Boundaries as a Foreign Language: Trauma can leave a person completely oblivious to the concept of setting personal boundaries. In other traumatic experiences, violated boundaries can result in either overly rigid “walls” or weaker boundaries, impacting the overall health of the relationship.
Although the five responses above are a byproduct of trauma, change is possible. Here are three suggested steps for dealing with trauma impact and starting the process of healing.
- Seeking Professional Guidance: Get help from a professional (e.g., trauma-informed therapy, EMDR, couples counseling and working with a Coach to help with new strategies). Personal growth is valuable both individually and together to safely process past experiences and learn new, healthy relationship-and-conflict-management skills.
- The Power of Self-Awareness: Learn about you first. It’s important to learn to recognize and name your own patterns and emotional triggers as they arise. Understanding why a certain partner is appealing or why a specific conflict style is used is the first critical step.
- Practicing Conscious Communication: Learn and implement nonviolent communication skills and active listening techniques to replace reactive, trauma-driven conflict styles with intentional, respectful dialogue. Disagreements should never become wars.
While our past traumas have a significant impact on the manner in which we manage our personal interactions, they certainly do not have to dictate the outcome of both present and future relationships. Trauma as “the silent catalyst” to relationship issues can also be “the force” behind someone’s choice to seek healing and a deeper understanding of self. The journey of healing begins with desire, and it is attainable with consistent personal work, self-awareness practices, professional support, and conscious efforts to break free from old patterns.
In all, when it comes to healing, we chart our own journeys even 
if we don’t know all of the steps to take or even how to begin. We can rely on community, and we can learn from those before us. There are a multitude of cost-free literary and audiovisual resources in addition to professional guidance to help one achieve the desired outcome in how they relate to others who are close and dear. They can un-learn some habits and learn new tools along with a language that helps them improve their communication skills and ultimately create healthier relationships. Some people may have to find more compatible partners, while others will develop a more productive way to communicate with the partners they choose to keep.
Most important, focus on self-awareness and self-discovery. A great relationship with “self” should be a goal for all. I always say: “Find ‘you’ and everything else will follow.”
Coach Déa
Empowerment & Relationship Coach
Certified Trauma Healing Facilitator
Host of Award-Winning Podcast “Love Most, The Podcast with Déa”
Moderator & Speaker
coachingwithdea.com
(https://www.coachingwithdea.com/)
IG @coachingwithdea
Facebook/You Tube/Twitter @CoachDéa
Photographer credits : Marina Fridlyand/ Reflection Studio
